Nice speech, asshole.

So who else caught the inauguration today? Right, probably all of you, because you’re all asshats. I was forced to watch it in school today, and let me tell you, if I had to make a list of the top 5 things I would like to never do, it would look like this:

5. Give a blowjob
4. See Hillary Clinton naked
3. Watch Obama’s inauguration
2. Fuck a screwdriver
1. See Hillary Clinton naked for a second time

And in case you’re curious, yes I would rather fuck a screwdriver than see Hillary naked twice.

But in all serious, who wasn’t bored? Better question, who had any fucking idea what Obama was talking about. Yeah, his speech sounded good. But think about it. What did he say? Can’t remember? That’s because he didn’t say anything of importance, or something that makes sense. If you can remember anything he said, do you know what it meant? No, you fucking didn’t. But somehow, every fucking douchebag knew exactly what he was talking about. I mean, they must have if every white woman in the crowd was crying (which was my favorite part). Seriously, why the fuck was every visible white woman crying their tits off? They must of been happy that one of their people is president….oh wait. The only time I saw a black woman cry was when that sexy old black man was talking. Speaking of which, I couldn’t understand a fucking word he was saying and his speech made more sense than Obama’s. I bet every single one of you is thinking “Well what was wrong with it?”. Well, for starters:

It was impossible to follow. The second you thought you had an idea as to what he was saying, he changed topics. It lacked any for of structure, or relevance for that matter.

Also, please evaluate this paraphrased quote:
“Countries of the world, we are your friends…and we WILL defeat you”.
Good job, moron. I forgot that all of the countries are friendly towards us. Like China, who could bomb our shit at any second, or Korea who hates fucking everybody. Germany, Russia and Japan, who hold grudges for fucking them up. Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran who are a bit pissed at us for going to war with them for the past 8 years.
And, we’re going to defeat them. Because that’s not contradictory at all. Quite literally the equivalent to saying, “Dude, you’re my best friend and I’m going to shoot you in the face”. Picture that. You wouldn’t say that, at least not seriously. I of course said YOU wouldn’t. I would say it, and then do it. After I shot my friend in the face, the bullet would then turn into a bomb and blow up, not until I left the premise, however. My friends corpse would then fly out of the rubble, quite literally (I mean with like, wings and shit) and, before my eyes, turn into a sex angel. She would then make out with my dick, which is expandable, and pokes a hole through the back of her head. Did I mention my cock is a sword.
See how much sense that last bit made? There’s Obama’s speech for you.

And I LOVED when he fucked up when he was sworn in. Not the first part where the other guy forgot part of the first line, but the second line, when Obama totally forgot what he was supposed to say and had the other guy repeat it. That was fucking great. Too bad every dipshit in school said “Well, yeah, but it was really long. It must of been hard to remember”. Good point, save for the fact that if Bush did the same thing, you’d be laughing at him and calling him a Dumbass.

Oh and one more thing. A bit off topic, but still about Obama. On the Sunday previous to the inauguration, I heard some asshole on the radio say “In my opinion…” (which is a horribly wrong opinion) “…Barack Obama is the greatest human being ever produced by America”. Question: Based on what? What has he done to earn the title of greatest human in the history of our country? I can think of a few better people:
-Me
-Maddox
-Ronald Regan (don’t forget, he saved us from Russian Nuclear Death)
- Abraham Lincoln
- Franklin D. Roosavelt (saved us from he depression)
- Samuel L. Jackson

Just to name a few.

The only good part about it is when those two hot, naked lesbians started making out, and that’s a part I invented in my head during class in order to make it more interesting.